I Miss You Daddy

For those of you that don't know...I lost my father on March 14th, 2005. He died of a massive heart attack. The coroners and doctors say that he didn't feel any pain. His phone was next to him in the apartment he lived in by himself. He could have called my grandma who lived a mile or two away if he needed any help or was in pain.  I didn't live with him, i hadn't since i was a little girl...but that's another story. It was a very hard thing. And only those of you out there who have lost a father and a best friend would know how i felt.


Anyways...I have been thinking alot about my dad lately. All good things. I like to think that my grief is healed. Who knows if it is...i doubt anyone ever heals completely. Since I have been thinking about him so much, i decided to share a poem that i wrote a couple of years ago at least. I will give an explanation beneath it for some of the things stated in there. Hope you enjoy!



Did you know that it was your last day?
Did an Angel come to say,
"Rejoice, Rejoice, for on this day,                                                     
you will be in heaven?"

Call it, Call it what you might...
I wished upon a star last night...
That even though you're not here,
I wish I could feel your presence.

Your gentle touch,
Your sweet embrace.
I just wish that i could hold you till
I knew everything would be all right.

You left like a light
being bathed in pure dark.
I wish you were here
So this wouldn't hurt my heart

But,

From this experience
I have learned,
to love and love
and be loved in return.


I miss your hug
I miss your love                                                 
I miss your smile
I miss your heart
And it's torn me apart.


I loved that hat,
and the way we'd make fun of Melodie's cat:
"It's not "Angel Baby", it's "Devil Spawn."


But now you're gone,
and that song
always reminds me of you.


I hear the song, 
I try to cry,
But I can't...
I'm trying to be strong.


Sometimes I wish
that I could just die,
I begin to get a tear in my eye,
when I think of seeing you again.                                  


But,


"I must be strong                                                                           
and carry on"
because...
I know
that God's not ready for me to be in heaven.


I miss you Daddy,
I miss you soo much.
I wish you were here
so I could feel your touch.




If you only saw the outside my dad would seem to be a bad candidate to choose for a role model, or someone to look up to...but he is my role model. My dad may have been an alcoholic for most of my life, but when he wasn't drunk...and even when he was, he was the best dad ever. When i was a young child i used to sit on his knee and watch "The Lawrence Welk Show" and be bounced up and down. He was a religious man that made sure that we said our prayers every night and went to church every Sunday. He may have went through some hard times, but he was never a bad man. As I type about him i can smell his cologne and feel his strong arms around me, holding me safe and warm. Many, many memories flood back to me. One I remember very clearly was when my dad was trying to teach me how to dance, he let me stand on his toes and promised me that he would dance with me when i was older. I always imagine dancing with him at my wedding, but that will never happen. Even so, i know that he will be there in spirit. He is constantly on my mind. If someone says something and i comment a certain way i can see my dad in me. My dad is the best thing that ever happened in my life. He was always so full of life and love. I aspire to be like him in most ways, some ways i could do without...like working at a resturant the rest of my life....or being an alcoholic...or getting divorced....or dying too young. Some things may change in life, but the way i feel about my father never will. I love him more than the entire world and everything else in it times a thousand. My dad will always be with me in spirit and inside me, i hope that one day i can find a man as amazing as him to marry. I love you so much dad, and i hope that you look at this and laugh.